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Thursday, 26 October 2017

Anxiety.

Anxiety isn't something I've ever gone in depth with here.
 Yes, you may have seen a few tweets from myself expressing how I'm feeling but I've never gone into more than 140 characters about how I'm feeling, mainly because I have always been a little reluctant.
One, because I don't want people to ever think that I'm joining in with a trending topic or 'trend', as that is in no way the case and also knowing people in my actual life and people from my hometown/Island read my blog. For some reason this always makes me feel a lot more vulnerable than just sharing my issues with the internet and my blogger pals online. 
In fact, the full extent of my anxiety is only something I've made known to my close loved ones over the last couple of years and that is a long, long time after this all started.

For years I suffered in silence, and it be honest totally unaware. I remember vividly being in the shower as a teenager and suddenly out of the blue having this strong, explainable feeling of dread and panic. I had no idea why I was feeling that way and tried to just shake it off. I actually thought maybe it was a premonition that something bad was going to happen... but just never did.
As the years went on and I ventured into adulthood feelings of panic, worry and totally bizarre thoughts would enter my mind and it wasn't until I hit the age of about 21 and came off the pill that I realised I had been suffering with some possible mental health issues, ones which I thought no-one would ever understand so therefore had never discussed.

Instead, I would push people away, avoid doing things and try to cancel any plans I may have had, thinking that just staying at home alone in my bedroom would be better than ever having to interact with people - even my best friends.
At this time I was at an all time low for confidence having gained weight and being in what felt like a constant downward spiral when it came to eating.
I will always remember a time where I just felt so sad all the time. I remember crying  to my Mum saying that I felt like I would never be happy again (I real life dementor moment). I look back at these memories and feel so sad, that person doesn't feel like it was me and I feel so sad for her.

I am now 27, on my way to 28, and I like to think that I have a better hold on everything when it comes to anxiety, feelings of panic/dread and low emotions. 
They do still affect me every month or so, but I find it a lot easier to communicate how I'm feeling to my friends, boyfriend and family nowadays - even if sometimes they don't quite understand how I could feel this way.
I know that some of them do though and I would much rather be honest and explain why I'm cancelling plans, crying for no reason or don't fancy that night out. 

I know people are starting to open up a lot more about mental health and anxiety and I think it is amazing that there is so much reassuring support online to realise you aren't alone and that these feelings don't last forever.
I wanted to share below some of the ways my anxiety affects me and my life, it may help one person to realise they aren't alone ...or in their mind 'crazy' - and maybe it will make me feel better getting it off my chest.

Overthink, rethink and regret things I say and do
This is something I do all the time and it can be about literally anything. I can say a random comment to one of my friends, not be super friendly to someone in a shop serving me, send a blunter than usual text, make a joke and worry I've offended someone. These sorts of things will eat away at me and worry me for hours/days after when in reality the people around me, I'm sure, don't even think twice about what I've said or done. I try my hardest to think to myself - get over it it wasn't that bad - but I do always have these worries.

Avoid plans, people and places

I have got so much better with this as I have gotten older, but I do still have days where I can not think of anything worse than leaving the house, I cannot be the only one? 

Crazy checks before I leave the house

Okay, this might just be because I grew up in a house that switched off all the plugs but I have to go around my home at least twice to ensure that the oven isn't on, candles aren't burning and I haven't left the straighteners on.... even if I'm leaving the house with wet hair after not cooking for three days!

Crying for NO reason

Guilty, although I know hormones has a big part to play in this.

Believe I know what other people are thinking

Now this one may just sound ridiculous to some of you, but this is a daily thing for me. As I speak to/interact with people I always convince myself I know what they are thinking."Shut up", "you're annoying", "you're interrupting" (worst habit of mine that I cannot seem to control) - I even think this about my dearest friends, when in reality if I was pissing them off I'm sure they'd tell me, but I constantly think in my mind what their thoughts could be/are and I hate it.

New places
For me eating out always makes me nervous. If I haven't seen a menu before going someone I do start to worry (as there are a lot of things I my body struggles with) and I will always panic that I'm going to have an embarrassing situation where I look fussy. This sounds so stupid as I write it.

These are just a few things I struggle with, kind of embarrassing to admit but at the same time I've learnt that sharing how I feel really does help me. Telling someone I have anxiety is so much easier than thinking of other excuses to come up with. 

I'd love to share with you all ways in which I like to calm/relax myself and what I find helps with bad days... if you'd like to read that then please do let me know and I can make it happen :)

Thank you so much for reading - sorry it's been a bit of a ramble!
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1 comment

  1. I think this is such a brave and amazing post to share! I find it the same I feel so vunerable when it comes to sharing things with people I know but online I feel like I can be more open about my mental health struggles!
    I feel like the more we share and care the more awareness we can raise and it can also help break the stigma! Mental health is not one size fits all and we need to realise we are not alone!

    love sian
    www.sianliftsweights.com

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